Get out your mop and bucket, you’re about to lose emotionally draining levels of drool. You’re about to turn tissues into wet wipes – because we’re counting down the 10 things you need to know about Chris ‘The Chisel’ Hemsworth’s body.
And, you’ll want to read to the end, because at number 10 we reveal, in a shocking Monologue exclusive, something that’ll have you questioning your whole life and maybe more.
1. The man has an eight-pack, people! AKA froth pack. Count them, every single one of the packs more rippling than the last. Tissue one, unsheathed.
2. Is that an apple in your throat or are you happy to see me? Those gravelly, breathy tones don’t come from thin air. Hemsworth’s protuberant Adam’s apple is working double shifts and overtime for your auditory pleasure. Question: Can ears cum?
3. Did you know he’s tall? He’s the tallest Chris in Hollywood at a towering 190cm. Pine, Evans and Pratt all live in the shade of the thunder from down under.
4. He has slightly ginger eyebrows. Tinges of ginger are back in vogue. It’s common knowledge Ed Sheeren’s mop paved the way for heathens everywhere. But was that a rewriting of history? Was it actually Hemsworth’s sun-drenched face caterpillars in Summer Bay that brought ginger back in the mid-noughties?
5. Veiny forearms… f*ck they’re hot – but you knew that.
6. His elbow is proof he’s more than a pretty face. It’s not just the mountains of sinew scarred with veiny rivers that Hemsworth has developed, it’s also his funny bone. Other actors who are asked about him in TV interviews say he’s really funny.
7. He has no hair. Hemsworth was born totally hairless (except his eyebrows) (and it’s not Alopecia – it’s another hair condition that nobody can diagnose completely unique to him). That’s right, that perfect beard is fake – it has to be – but all the better to see his glistening physique without that nuisance keratin.
8. Chris is a fat person inside an action-hero body. Scandalous photos rocked Hemsworth and his family revealing that between movies he had bulked up – in the non-acceptable way – which led to a wholesale rewrite of the Avengers movie when he rocked up on set 40kgs overweight.
9. Hemsworth has big feet. Thor might need pretty big hands to pick up that styrofoam hammer, but it’s actually Hemsworth’s alarmingly big feet that have set tongues wagging in Hollywood.
10. Now, this is what you’ve been waiting for… a Monologue exclusive. The thing that proves Thor is human.
Monologue can reveal, in never before seen footage, Chris Hemsworth’s Behind The Knee Gap. That’s right. He’s got BTKG. Proof that even big stars have big flaws. And unfortunately for Hemsworth, his is a 2-inch gap between his calf and hamstring. Weird.
WARNING – once you see this you may never look at Chris Hemsworth in the same way.
Let us know what you think in the comments… is Chris Hemsworth still Thor, or is he Thaw.